So if you know anything about me you know I’m sort of a web geek. I was going through an old web server that contained the first version of 406Northlane.com. For those don’t know, Pip and I met at Indiana University and after living together for a couple of years in the dorms we moved off campus – to 406 Northlane. At this point, that site has become my personal blog but there was a time when that site was essentially a shrine to our time in college. Stick with me… this story gets back to ScareTissue… I promise.
Anyhow, I was going through that server this morning and ran across this review that Pip wrote of 2005’s Boogeyman. I believe Pip had the intent of reviewing a ton of movies but alas this was the only one that ever made it to the web. We started this site in 2012 so this particular review predates that and it very well may be the first horror movie review we ever put to (virtual) paper.
Without further ado here’s Pip’s long lost review of Boogeyman.
1 star out of 5
Greetings and such to all you who have joined me for my first official movie review. I’ll skip the glorious self-introduction and get right to the meat around the bones. Problem…no meat on these bones. This film makes Kate Moss look like a fat fatty by comparison. I will never get over my pension for cheesy horror movies, and it’s flicks like this that keep reminding me what a curse that can be.
At one point I suppose I had hoped that the title and premise were so blatantly generic that it had to be good. Dumb can be cool, you just have to give it a chance to breathe. Well, save yourself $6 and keep this one corked. The fear of the “Boogeyman” is certainly something that the American child can relate to. Urban legends of such a character haunted our slumber and kept us from getting out of bed in the middle of the night. Barry Watson (the lovable, chiseled bible beater Matt Camden from TV’s “7th Heaven”) headlines as a little boy who sees his father get sucked in a closet and taken by the Boogeyman. Fast forward to the late teens where Barry still has issues with things coming out of closets (insert inappropriate joke here, just remember I set you up).
Basically, the movie spends most of it’s time trying to build suspense by following Barry around from closet to closet, wondering if this one or the next is going to be the big winner. I’m sure if there was a special feature on the DVD that let us hear his inner-most thoughts, it would be something like “no whammy, no whammy, no whammy aaaaaand….stop!!” There are a few moments of clever maneuvering (going into a closet in a creepy house only to come out in a seedy motel room) that actually hint towards something creative. However after an hour and a half of shaking doors and flickering lights, the movie inspired little more than making me wonder whether or not I had left the light on in my cube at work. There’s little dialog, and special effects really just try to cover a weak script. The only thing scary about this movie is the inevitable stright-to-video sequel predictably starring the likes of Tom Berringer or Treat Williams. Let’s hope that one stays in the closet.
5 Angsty Parting Thoughts:
- The story is an underdeveloped snooze fest
- Horror movies that are PG-13 start working uphill from the get-go
- Quote “When you’re afraid, close your eyes and count to five. Sometimes it works for me” – Yeah, I counted for 88 straight minutes without looking and things just seemed to get worse. Thanks Barry.
- The reason this got 1 star is because the keyboard won’t let me type half of an asterisk
- That “Matt Camden” comment above, yeah…I didn’t even have to look that up.