March 2, 2024

How The Grinch Stole Horror (By Dr. Jaw) would like to wish a happy holiday season to all of our readers.  It’s been a great year, and 2014 is looking to
be phenomenal.  In the spirit of the season, I “updated” a childhood favorite of mine for the site.  Enjoy!

How the Grinch Stole Horror

Every horror fan in the world likes horror a lot…

But the grinch, who lived just west in the hills, did not!

The grinch hated horror!  The whole horror genre!
(But knew that it helped in his quest for more moola).
It could be because he longed for the past
It could be, perhaps, that he didn’t give new stuff a chance
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he wasn’t creative at all

Whatever the reason,
nostalgia or snob,
He stood there all the time talking The Blob
“And they made it a remake!  It wasn’t half bad!

I must find some way to bring old horror back!”

tomorrow he knew,

All the horror girls and boys
Would leap out of bed for their nostalgic toys
They’d long for the Freddy and Jason of the past
And watch for a zombie rambling past

Merry Ch-ch-ch-Christmas!

Some new franchise would come out, and all would be forgotten
(And old Grinchy here would have to wear shirts made of cotton
And, even worse, have scratchy old non-monogrammed towels)

“I must find a way to keep new films from coming!  But how?”

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” The grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Leatherface mask and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked “What a great Hollywood trick!
With this mask and this coat, I look downright sick!”

“I’ll call all my friends in their plush hillside cribs.
We’ll only make movies we loved when we’re kids!
We’ll remake Freddy!  We’ll reimagine Jason!
(We’ll remake Michael after we re-resurrect him!)”

And then when they don’t think they can take anymore,
We’ll get rid of the story and just show them some gore!
Surely this will kill horror (Or make me some cash)!”

He picked up his phone.  “My ideas will be a smash!”

You won't shoot your eye out with that BB gun. Freddy will take it first.
You won’t shoot your eye out with that BB gun.
Freddy will take it first.

All the theaters were dark.  A chill filled the air.
All the fans were all sleeping having dreams without care.
When he came to the first theater he saw in the square
“This is stop number one!”  The old Leatherface hissed
As he went to the projector (empty crap in his fist).

he did the same thing
to every multiplex

He toiled
and toiled
until he got an urgent text.

“The numbers are in!  It was a good opening weekend!
I must get home and investigate this whole thing!”

But what the accountants saw did nothing but distress
The numbers didn’t last, and these movies were a mess!
“No original ideas!  Sometimes even shot for shot!
Can’t you come up with some original thought??”

“Surely horror is dead if the kids just don’t like these?
Now, onto those wonderful romantic comedies
Starring Julia Roberts as somebody’s muse
Where we know from the title which characters won’t lose!”
The old grinchy laughed.  “Get my phone, Jeeves!
I need an old star!  Get me Keanu Reeves!”

And he did hear a sound rising up from below

It started in low, and it started to grow…

The sound wasn’t sad.
No.  It was quite scary.
It sounded real mad, and was probably hairy.

The sound was a new movie out (straight to video)
It was independent, and turned down by 4 studios.
It was making some waves, and people were finding
How horror was made without the studio’s blessing.

And people were watching without an advertising campaign
He put down his crystal glass filled with champagne
He hadn’t stopped horror from coming.  It came!

Somehow or the other, it was made just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch feet all wet in his pool
Stood their puzzling and puzzling “Oh, those damn fools!”

“It came without Warner!  It came without Sony!
Why, with such a small budget, can you imagine the money?”

And he puzzled three hours, until his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t thought of before!

I so want one of these for Christmas!
I so want one of these for Christmas!

“Maybe horror”
he thought,
“doesn’t come from just money.

Perhaps horror….
perhaps….is just like fine honey!

It starts out all small…an idea in a head.
It’s written about, and the idea’s fed
until it just bursts, and a storyboard forms
And then that old movie is finally out,
And the fans…they review and give a shoutout
To their friends all on the social media pages
Then the audiences come in multiple stages!”

And, what happened then?

Well…in Hollywood they say
That the Grinch’s creative juices were flowing that day.

Four fresh movies were put into production
That weren’t retread thoughts or a franchise introduction.
And, when they were made, it was the Halloween season

And he, himself, sat down to enjoy them.



I love horror movies, and I have since I was young. My favorite genre is the zombie genre, but it has completely been overdone in the last few years. I'm not a big fan of the horror movie formula, and I love it when a director turns it on its head. Please follow me on twitter (@_trapjaw_) and like me on facebook (scaretissuetrapjaw) for updates and to be immediately informed of new posts/projects.

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