Don’t go in there!
If that were me…
One of the greatest things about a horror movie is placing yourself in the same situations as the protagonists in it. I love it when people tell me there zombie survival plan because it only includes Romero zombies (destroy the brain). What if the zombies are Return of the Living Dead zombies? What if they can’t be killed?
Well, to celebrate Halloween this year, I decided to compare our favorite slashers and see just who I would want to face if placed in a Halloween movie. I had to take a few liberties (of course). For example, many of the slashers have killed or implied to have killed off screen. This becomes significant in each slasher’s kill total (Think how it was implied that Freddy killed every child in Springwood between NOES 5 and Freddy’s Dead. This total is not included in his official body count). Also, there are many times that I had to estimate the number of survivors (Think how the town took on Michael Myers at the end of Halloween 4.). Finally, I had to disqualify any movie where that slasher did not appear (Think Friday the Thirteenth 1 and 5.) and any remakes.
(Remember, the key to this is to figure out the probability of surviving a horror movie.) So, without further ado…
6. Pinhead (Hellraiser)
Pinhead is the leader of the Cenobites, a masochistic group of demons that emerge when somebody solves the puzzle of the Lament Configuration. Pain and Pleasure is one to him. He was first introduced to the Lament Configuration as a human in the early 20th century. He was torn apart by its chains and recreated (with a smirk) into the thing we know and love today.
Pinhead has 33 official kills in 9 total Hellraiser films, and I have estimated an additional 315 in Hellraiser 3. In the third installment, Pinhead slaughters an entire nightclub. There are no survivors. Very rarely does he leave more than one survivor (if any) at the end of the Hellraiser movies. Bloodlines is the only one that leaves 6, and that is because it is 3 different stories told at 3 different times. In Inferno and Hellworld, he only has one victim. In Hellseeker, the only person he attacks strikes a deal with him to stay alive.
If you are in a horror movie, Pinhead is not the one you want to meet. It usually means that you are already dead or will be.
5. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th)
Jason Voorhees appears in 9 out of the 11 Friday the 13th installments, and boasts the most kills of any slasher. Pinhead ties him for the the most horror movies. Jason Voorhees is a maniacal killer that stalks kids at Crystal Lake (where he drowned as a child). He enjoys the peacefulness of the lake and keeps it quiet with his trusty machete.
Jason has always worked well by isolating his prey. It’s no big surprise that he generally leaves 1-3 people alive at the each of his movies. In fact, he actually became less efficient as the series moved along. Initially there was 1 survivor in his first 2 appearances,and in the last 3 official F13‘s there were 3 in each. The lone exception to this Jason Lives (F13 6). This movie brought some child campers to the lake, and every one of them survived his onslaught.
4. Chucky (Child’s Play)
Charles Lee Ray killed many people in his life on this earth, but he has killed even more in his death. As he lied dying on a box of Good Guy dolls, he transferred his soul to one via an ancient voodoo ritual. Thus, Chucky was born.
Chucky has generally killed by surprising his prey. He can blend into a room. He can hide in small crevices. Most people (if they do see him) find him to be a creepy (but innocuous) doll…until it’s too late. Many of his kills are done off screen and we are shown the bodies afterwards. If we met up with Chucky, 1 out of every 4 of us would survive.
3. Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Leatherface is just a simple man in Texas that enjoys life the only way he knows: hunting people down with his chainsaw, bloodletting them, and wearing their faces as a mask. Not many people come around, so his attacks are few. But, boy…when he gets a chance, he lets loose with what I assume to be a giant smile.
In each of his movies, 1 person survives. The only exception is Part 3, and that is debatable as an alternate ending exists where one of the survivors is killed. Ironically, I think that Leatherface is probably penalized and rewarded by his family of psychopaths. He probably would be a more efficient killer without them around, but he doesn’t seem the brightest so he may get caught immediately.
2. Michael Myers (Halloween)
Michael Myers has been referred to as “pure evil” by his psychiatrist many times. In the Curse of Michael Myers, we learn that he is simply a boy under the influence of an ancient Druid Curse of the Thorn. Referring to him as pure evil might be a little over kill if this is true.
Michael Myers is the rare serial killer that kills in a suburban set-up. He almost always returns home, and people are surprised when he does. He isolates his prey in far smaller areas than Jason and Leatherface, and that may be why he is the second most inefficient killer on the list today. Of course, many of his survivors come from Part 4 (34 estimated in fact) because a group of good ol’ boys and the police form a firing squad on him at the end.
1. Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)
Onscreen Kills: 40
Offscreen Kills: 0*
Total Survived: 52*
Total Attacked: 92*
Freddy Krueger doesn’t play by the physical rules of this world (much like Pinhead), but he is by the least efficient killer of the group. Freddy Krueger was a child killer that was burned to death by a group of parents upset over him being released on a technicality while on trial. Three ancient gods approached him and offered him immortality, and he has used that to torture every child in Springwood. Initially, Freddy started killing the children of the parents that killed him. Next, he moved onto the rest of Elm Street. Finally, he moved onto the rest of the town and beyond (or at least tried to). He even moved into our reality!
What has made NOES a memorable and fun franchise is how the kids react with each other so each movie had 3 or 4 survivors generally. Many times, these kids were taken out the next installment. In Part 2, however, Freddy comes out of a dream and attacks a pool party. After taking out about a dozen kids, Freddy walks away from about 30 more. That hurt his ranking dramatically. I also chose to exclude all of the children that “disappeared” between NOES 5 and Freddy’s Dead. There was no way to estimate, and the information is not available as to whether some of those children may have just moved (remember: Freddy can’t leave Springwood.). In Freddy vs Jason, Freddy doesn’t have a single kill.
Although Freddy may be one of the scariest villains of our time, he was the most inefficient by far.